I have never posted twice in one night, but if I don’t do this now, while I have the courage, this poem might remain in my desk drawer. Lissa (my brother’s first wife) became a part of my life when I was six months old. She was like a second mother to me. She was there for me through the troubling middle school and high school years as a big sister. She took her own life in 1999. I have mixed feelings about her passing, and in my despair, I wrote my only other poem. It’s deep and filled with many of the raw emotions that surface after a tragedy. This poem chastises members of the national media (as the events led to a national scandal) but also deals with the despair of loss. Despite how mad I am at her, I love and miss her!
(NOTE: I wrote this poem over ten years ago and am in a much better place now. I chose to share this because there are many people out there who are hurting from a family member or friend’s suicide. It is my hope that readers will recognize the many emotions surfacing in this poem and know that life for those left behind improves with the passage of time.)
Far from Lothlorien
By Maggie Murphy
How do I sort through a lifetime of lies?
Everything told to me must be questioned.
Every memory must be reviewed.
My whole childhood is at stake here!
Why did you have to manipulate me?
I was the one on the right track.
I was the one that the community looked to for truth and respect.
Was that your motivation for this treason?
I hold all those things, and you can’t steal them away from me-even from the grave!
I have always shunned those who pass on information second hand. Now they are my only source. How dare you leave us and put this information in the twisted and mangled kaleidoscopes of Tom, Peter, and Dan to display to the world!
If the truth shall set you free, how can I find it? You left me with no guidance to find my way through this maze. All that remains are rumors, opinions, and the empty feeling that comes with suicide.
I love you-why did you leave?